Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
