My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
