Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
