my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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