My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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