i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
