M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
