and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
