you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
