Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
