So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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