Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Found your dick twin last night
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
