The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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