I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
