I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize