I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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