apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
