apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
