I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I AM VODKA MAN
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
