hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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