I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
