i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
