Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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