There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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