Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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