did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Randomize
