Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize