I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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