Don't you send me to vm
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
