I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I still have a little drunk in my system
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
