There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
