I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
