i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
