Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
