i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
