What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
