Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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