farters have to be the big spoon...
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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