Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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