HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
