remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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