Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
