She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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