my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
