I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
FUCK WHALES
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
