In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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