If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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