dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
