There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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