so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Randomize
