My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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