I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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