marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
