I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
