Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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