But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
