I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
