dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
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