I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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