Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
